Lewis Wharton of the always brilliant Little Barrie gets in the dugout to pick a side that could do a job at Fortress Fratton Park.
As a caveat cited before handing in his dream team Little Barrie's Lewis Wharton was quick to disclose his is a selection 'based purely on personal entertainment value', while at the same time 'absolutely no thought has gone into it working as a team'. Sounds good to us.
Channelling the spirit of Ossie Ardiles' Spurs side of '93/94, die-hard Portsmouth fan Lewis has thrown abandon to the banalities of life such as defending to leave Kevin Harper - a midfielder by trade - to do the dirty work and let the rest of his charges do as God intended and play with complete freedom.
Like Lewis, our football lives would be complete were we ever to see Cantona and Quinn in a strike partnership, so without further ado here's what happened when we asked Little Barrie to Take Five...
This is sort of a default choice, he was an ever-present in the Pompey goalmouth when I started going to games at Fratton Park. Not to say that I don't think Alan Knight was a good keeper, because I do, but it's more a pick for his relationship with the crowd. He was always turning to the supporters and getting everyone going when we needed a lift.
I never got tired of watching players who were much bigger and taller than the relatively small man thinking they were going to steamroller through him, only to bounce off and end up on their arse. It's like slapstick, it never gets old. He wasn't a hard nut or anything, just really determined. Like Knight, he was the sort of player you want when the game's not going your way.
Another player I was always glad to see on the team-sheet. For his day in the old Second Division he had real skill and was pretty quick up and down the wing, so me and my cousin would get a good look at what he was doing for at least half the match. We always went in the North Stand. As soon as we got up the steps we'd run and try and get right up the front by the halfway line and because we were little, people would let us through. Good times.
The only non-Portsmouth man in the line-up. I never got to see him play apart from on the telly but he seemed pretty entertaining whether he was having a good game or not. When he was good, he was really good. He'd probably start kicking off with the lesser God-like players in this team too, so that would be entertaining. The most interesting character to come out of football? Probably. I thought that film he was in (Looking for Eric) was pretty good too.
In my book he is the ultimate footballing legend. Never has a man looked so unfit but so effortlessly knock in goal after goal. With that 'tache and physique you could almost imagine him jogging around the pitch with a pint in one hand and a tab in the other. Although to be honest I think a lot of that was lost on me as a kid, he was just the guy you were shouting at people to pass to because a lot of the time he'd come up with the goods. It's only in hindsight I realise the true genius of the man. Style icon.
Five songs for the Fratton Park dressing room...
Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Surf Hell - Little Barrie (if it's good enough for the Olympic highlights It's good enough for me)
Shuffle your Feet - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Entrance Song - The Black Angels
MF from Hell - The Datsuns