To parents or guardian: Possibly the brightest student in the whole school but prone to daydreaming. At times it is as if the lessons are too easy, so concentration will be paramount to successful exam results in May. Professor Wenger persistently says potential will be realised; make sure you don't let your mentor down young man!
Star pupil: Robin van Persie
In detention: Andrey Arshavin
To parents or guardian: It is fair to say this pupil has had their ups and downs with Mr McLeish this year. On occasion good work was been produced but too often there is a contentment to plod. Can and should do better but will invariably finish in the middle of the set. Where's the ambition child?
Star pupil: Gabriel Agbonlahor
In detention: Charles N'Zogbia
To parents or guardian: Where to start? While accepting the pupil does not come from the most stable of homes, that does not excuse turning up for lessons entirely unprepared. Being more suited to the Bash Street Kids than a prized academic place of learning is simply not good enough. Towards the end of the term results have picked up a little but nonetheless, we have little option but to place this student on report until further improvements are made.
Star pupil: Yakubu Aiyegbeni
In detention: Mauro Formica
To parents or guardian: After taking more of an interest in the arts since moving into Mr Coyle's class from Mr Allardyce's woodwork workshop, it's fair to say previous areas of solid achievement have been undermined. A poor run of test results in a number of core subjects makes being placed on report inevitable.
Star pupil: Chris Eagles
In detention: Kevin Davies
To parents or guardian: It would be harsh to judge this pupil so soon after moving to a new school but it's fair to say there has been teething problems. Given results achieved at their previous school we are not unduly concerned but we would recommend the student attempts to mix more with his peers, particularly the most popular boys in the class. We have received reports he has been cheeky to head prefects on more than one occasion.
Star pupil: Juan Mata
In detention: Fernando Torres
To parents or guardian: Wake up boy!! Every new term it's the same. Head still in the summer while the rest of the class are back in lessons. There is no doubt this pupil will improve in the New Year and achieve respectable exam results, but just imagine what could be achieved if they started a new term at the same time as their class-mates.
Star pupil: Leighton Baines
In detention: Tim Cahill
To parents or guardian: After initially struggling to adapt to the disciplinarian style of form tutor Mr Jol, there does now seem to be some kind of rapport between pupil and teacher. Realistically we are talking about a student who will finish neither at the top nor bottom of the set. However, with hard work a solid range of grades will be achieved across the board.
Star pupil: Clint Dempsey
In detention: Bryan Ruiz
To parents or guardian: An unsavoury spat with a classmate has threatened to derail the steady progress that was being made under Mr Dalglish. Although the student has been backed unreservedly by his form tutor, we still hold concerns. Excellent results in Spanish were let down by a poor grade on the last English paper. With more thorough revision, though, improvements should be forthcoming between now and May.
Star pupil: Jose Enrique
In detention: Andy Carroll
To parents or guardian: Having spent the summer in finishing school the results are there for all to see. The potential was always latent but in the past, academic promise has been undermined by an innate ability to oversleep or turn up on the wrong day of an exam. This year has seen the student transformed, with Mr Mancini's strict but always fair teaching style reaping rich rewards. One minor blip came when the pupil was caught smoking but otherwise an excellent term's work has culminated in top of the class marks all round. The student's generosity of spirit was perhaps best demonstrated when a month's worth of tuck-shop money was handed over to a tramp.
Star pupil: David Silva
In detention: Carlos Tevez
To parents or guardian: Having spent the past few years at the top of the class and winning all manner of school prizes, it should not come as a major surprise that someone's nose has been put out of joint by recent exam results. That they are now looking up at the kid they once looked down on as a loser younger brother only adds salt to the wound. However, as headmaster Mr Ferguson is always keen to tell his pupils, 'mocks mean nowt' and prizes aren't dished out in January...watch this space.
Star pupil: Phil JonesIn detention: David de Gea
To parents or guardian: Social workers were called at the beginning of the year to assess whether the Sports Direct Arena really offered a stable and loving home, but in the classroom there have been no complaints. Mr Pardew was initially seen as no better than a Cockney supply teacher but has since won his class around. With continued hard work there is no reason why excellent half-term results cannot be replicated in the New Year.
Star pupil: Demba Ba
In detention: Hatem ben Arfa
To parents or guardian: Rare is it that a student rises from set three to one in just two school years but the meteoric journey here demonstrates what can be achieved with hard work. There had been reservations over whether the top class would move too quickly for them but to date, the pupil is revelling. On the proviso excellent exam results from their first term in set one do not go to their head, there is no reason why champagne corks will not be popping in May.
Star pupil: Anthony Pilkington
In detention: Ritchie de Laet
QUEENS PARK RANGERS
To parents or guardian: Despite arriving on the first day of term with the shiniest new pencil case, it has not been an easy introduction to the top set. Mr Warnock has every faith in this pupil but we suggest less time Tweeting and more time in the classroom studying would reap rich dividends. Please take heed!
Star pupil: Heidar Helguson
In detention: Adel Taarabt
To parents or guardian: Not always the most popular kid in the class but always the hardest (working), here is a student who makes the most of what God has given them. Although there have been complaints of an over physical manner in the playground, we are always keen to remind our other pupils that life in the real world doesn't solely involve perusing over a bloody good Bronte in the reading room!
Star pupil: Peter Crouch
In detention: Kenwyne Jones
To parents or guardian: With Mr O'Neill in the middle of an uncanny Robin Williams impersonation (think Dead Poets Society - not Mork and Mindy), remarkable progress has been made on a child routinely placed in a corner with a dunces hat on during Mr Bruce's lessons. It just goes to show what can be achieved when teacher and pupil are pulling in the same direction...
Star pupil: Sebastian Larsson
In detention: Titus Bramble
To parents or guardian: Since moving into the top stream this student has allayed any fears we held over their ability to cope in such elevated company; form tutor Mr Rodgers' unstinting belief has proven to be well founded! Neat, tidy and polite to a tee, if the entire top set were as gentlemanly as the aforementioned it would be a happy school indeed. An infectious enthusiasm for work when allied to a keen intellect bodes well for the future.
Star pupil: Michel Vorm
In detention: Leroy Lita
To parents or guardian: After years of being near the top of the class in the arts but struggling in the sciences, a level of consistency has been achieved across the board. If distractions from elsewhere can be avoided - it has come to my attention notes have been passed from the all-girls school across the road - there is no reason why a top of the class result cannot be achieved at the end of the term.
Star pupil: Scott Parker
In detention: Roman Pavlyuchenko
WEST BROMWICH ALBION
To parents or guardian: A steady year's work for a polite and conscientious student. In a class with more than the odd extrovert, an unassuming presence is always welcome and there is little doubt a place in the top set is deserved. The avuncular teachings of Mr Hodgson are well suited to this pupil's needs, after a troubled spell with a bright but underachieving student earlier in the year.
Star pupil: Shane Long
In detention: Peter Odemwingie
To parents or guardian: A quiet and unassuming pupil who has shown promise in the arts but lacks purpose and drive in other fields. When charged with a creative task they have achieved some excellent results but throw them a simultaneous equation to solve and all hell breaks loose. Improvement is needed, otherwise set two beckons...
Star pupil: Victor Moses
In detention: Hugo Rodallega
To parents or guardian: After being shamelessly mocked for having what some deem to be an unfashionable 'bowel' haircut, Mr McCarthy has assured his pupil that they are worth a place in the top stream. And indeed they are. A modern day Kes for 2012. Mr Glover will soon whip them into shape.
Star pupil: Steven Fletcher
In detention: Kevin Doyle