Andy Parsons

Comedian Andy Parsons tells about a lifetime of supporting Torquay United, imitating Mario Kempes and refusing to forgive Kevin Keegan.

Parsons: Football Firsts

Parsons: Has seen a few rain-soaked scoreless draws at Torquay United

While professional footballers might celebrate winning the Premier League or UEFA Champions League by spraying about Bollinger, Andy Parsons used to toast success in a slightly more restrained fashion.

Panda Shandy was the comedian and lifelong Torquay United fan's drink of choice as a youngster when partying in the wake of sampling glory in five-a-side competitions on Cornwall's Lizard Peninsula.

But Parsons, who begins a marathon UK tour of his new 'Gruntled' show on 10th February, also has other brilliant memories of his first footballing experiences and was happy to hear about Mario Kempes, Kevin Keegan and disappointing pasties.

The Mock the Week star kicks off his tour in Durham and dates then run through to the end of May in what promises to be a typically brilliant and popular run for the stand-up.

Torquay United

I grew up in Torbay. It might have been nice to have been growing up near a Premiership or Division One club, but you're dealt the hand you are dealt! I have seen a few rain-soaked scoreless draws accompanied by a disappointing pasty.

Torquay United v Manchester United

This one wasn't scoreless - as might be imagined. My abiding memory was the Torquay fans chanting, 'United' without seemingly spotting the irony.

Mario Kempes

The first World Cup I can remember was 1978 in Argentina. It had a great theme tune and Mario Kempes had goals in him and passion and hair. And when you scored in the playground you had to shout, 'GOOOOOOAAAAAL - KEMPES!'

Kevin Keegan

He also had passion and hair and goals in him, but sadly not in the 1982 World Cup. He missed an absolute sitter of a header which would have put England through. OK, he was only on for 26 minutes and he'd just returned from injury, but I'm not sure I've ever really forgiven him!

Celebrating in style

Winning a Lizard Peninsula five-a-side competition aged nine and celebrating with a can of Panda Shandy. I've still got the little trophy we each won. I should chuck it away because it's small and cheap and plastic and in a bag with a load of other tat, but hey! What price memories?

Parc Eglos

The winners of the aforementioned Lizard Peninsula's five-a-side. If I remember rightly we didn't even have our own strip, we used to wear whatever shirt we wanted with a red P.E. vest over the top - quality! This sadly made it easy for the opposition to pull your shirt when they were marking you. Not that there was too much close marking aged nine.


Given to me by a friend as a birthday present. Looked great with a red vest over it.

The Andy Parsons 'Gruntled' tour begins on 11th February. For more information and tickets, visit