The unrepeatable second phrase to be delivered in a South African accent by Petal was apparently misheard as "Would you like to teach me bridge?" The mind boggles.
180-2 - Five runs off the over, accumulated in the time-honoured untroubled and uninteresting manner.
175-2 - Bukhari's doing a decent job in this second spell, two overs for six runs and Strauss' wicket just at the point when England appeared to be engaging cruise control.
172-2 - The shock dismissal of Strauss has done little to alter the dynamic of the game. Eye Are Bell carrying on where his skipper left off with some textbook nurdling.
Andy has made a startling discovery. "Whilst waiting for the exciting finale, I've discovered the internet can be used for looking at pictures of very pretty ladies. What will they think of next?" I don't know. Anyway, I'm a bit busy at the moment dealing with another email. Turns out a Nigerian prince has singled out little old me to look after some money for him, and he assures me I will be handsomely rewarded for my assistance.
168-2 WICKET! England's serene progress is rudely interrupted by the returning Bukhari, who somehow convinces Strauss to sky a pull shot to deep square-leg where Cooper takes a smart running catch.
An update from Petal: "My South African accent is not very good, and i have only learnt two token phrases. One is, the gaffa is under pressure. Two, cannot be repeated." I think we're all intrigued.
165-1 - Runs. Nurdles. Scamper.
"England will cruise this inside 45 overs," declares Bruce Graham, "Or I'll buy everyone a pint!" Make mine a semi-skimmed. And be careful with that joke, it's an antique. As, interestingly, is that one.
159-1 - Boundaries! Trott reverse-sweeps in a faintly unconvincing manner and then drives through point in an entirely convincing manner. Boffins fear the gulf between England's professionalism with the bat and villagicity with the ball may produce a number that breaks maths.
147-1 - An over happens. Six runs come from it, although no-one who witnessed it will be able to recall any detail of it when questioned later. It's like a Derren Brown show in many ways. Well, one. OK, none.
141-1 - Trott, for reasons that are not immediately apparent, aims an almight moo at Cooper and almost loses his off stump. Were it any other batsman, I'd cite boredom as a factor. But Trott gets bored even less than Alastair Cook sweats.
From Petal, who also reports orange M&Ms being thrown across the room. "We're waiting for the excitment of the finish too. In the meantime we are eating chocolate and cakes, and speaking in South African accents so that we feel like we are in the dressing room with the lads." Which dressing room, though?
136-1 - Even by mid-innings ODI standards, this is desperately quiet. Required rate climbing, but not at a rate that will yet panic the England brains trust. "Am working away here in the South of France," reports Tim Smith, "with a Dutchman who never fails to stick the boot in re. England football failings, but is unaware of the existence of a Dutch cricket team. Should I tell him?" Definitely not. No good can come of it.
131-1 - Tommy Cooper into the attack. Must... Resist... Dreadful jokes. England take six runs off the over, just like that. Sorry. Couldn't do it.
125-1 - There's an exciting finish on the cards here, but we've got some turgid mid-innings overs to negotiate until then. Assistance required: mails to Dave.Tickner@bskyb.com
121-1 - Good squeezing from Holland, but Trott and Strauss perfectly content to deal in nudges and nurdles at this stage.
117-1 - Wily batting from Strauss, working the ball into sufficiently sizeable gaps to pick up twos. Ten Doeschate gets away with a wide way outside the off stump to end the over.
112-1 - Another good over from Seelaar. England still have things well in hand, but another five or six tight overs will just set the nerves a-jangling again.
108-1 - Chance for Holland to sneak some cheap overs in here as Trott plays himself in. Important that Strauss keeps things ticking over.
105-1 WICKET! Left-arm spinner in dismissing Pietersen shock. Does keep happening. Tame end to a curious innings as he goes hard at the ball and chips the ball to cover to spark huge Dutch celebrations. The players take DRINKS as Jonathan Trott arrives in the middle and commences Operation Pitchdig.
100-0 - Not fully fit but continuing to make his mark on the game is Ten Doeschate, who gives up just a single from his second over. That run takes England to three figures, and the new-look opening partnership has settled the jitters that must have been going through the team.
99-0 - Strauss works to leg for a single to bring up a 34-ball half-century. The captain taking it upon himself to save his team from humiliation. Another big set of wides help the England cause before Holland make a bold bid for Most Optimistic lbw Shout of the Tournament after KP is hit on the foot a good four yards down the track.
92-0 - Hero of all Holland Ten Doeschate into the attack now, but he's clearly struggling with that calf problem. It would be a tragedy for the tournament if he does himself any kind of long-term mischief. Strauss, meanwhile, hammers away another pull shot to move to 49 off a staggeringly swift 33 deliveries.
85-0 - Holland turn to spin. I approve. Especially with Pieter Seelaar being a left-arm tweaker. He quickly gets the formalities of giving Strauss a single out of the way and almost deceives Pietersen instantly as the batsman gives him the charge.
83-0 - Not good from Loots. With the keeper up to the stumps, a wide down the legside runs away to the boundary before yet another delivery on Strauss' pads is punished.
72-0 - Westdijk bowls a leg-stump half-volley and gets clipped behind square-leg for four by Strauss. Exactly the same thing happens next ball. And I mean exactly. Genuinely thought it was a replay first up. Remain to be convinced that it wasn't. Anyway, he's been given the runs and has moved to 37 off 24 without telling anyone.
63-0 - Wild and woolly over from Loots. Strauss attempts to run himself out by colliding with Pietersen attempting a second but is spared by a poor throw. He then cuts hard and well in front of point to pick up a trademark boundary.
Holland take the bowling powerplay having dragged England's run-rate back rather well in the last few overs, albeit without posing undue problems to Strauss or Pietersen.
53-0 - Westdijk almost ends the first powerplay with a maiden, but a trusty Red Bull Run from KP a) prevents such an embarrassment and b) keeps the big man on strike.
52-0 - First bowling change as Bernard Loots comes on to bowl his medium-pace. Still want a spinner on. Holland's bowlers, with all respect, lack the ability to trouble Pietersen the batsman. But they may be able to trouble Pietersen the ego.
48-0 - Pietersen absolutely marmalises a straight drive. For the fleetingest of fleeting moments, Westdijk thinks about trying to take a catch before the self-preservation node in his brain convinced him to retract his hand lest every bone within it be horribly shattered. Four runs a small price to pay for fully intact body that functions properly.
44-0 - All eyes have been on Pietersen here, but Strauss is quietly and effectively up and running as well. Bukhari drops the tiniest fraction short and Strauss is on it in a flash, rocking back and pulling the ball over square-leg for four.
It would be a monumental gamble, but if I were Holland's captain I'd be bringing a spinner on here. Might go the distance, might buy the precious wicket of KP. Worth it, says I.
38-0 - It's been a bit of an eye-opening introduction to ODI cricket for Westdijk as perfectly decent deliveries disappear to the boundary with astonishing speed. A particularly violent pull shot sails high over midwicket for a one-bounce four.
34-0 - Bukhari is clearly a chap who likes to live dangerously. After his risky flirtation with Strauss' pads he's now over-corrected and started bowling short outside the England captain's off stump. Miraculously he once again gets away with it as Strauss mistimes two cut shots and picks up just a single. Pietersen keeps the strike, but just two singles from the over. Fortune favours the brave.
32-0 - Vintage Pietersen. He walks down the track and across his stumps to whip a perfectly acceptable delivery from a bemused-looking Westdijk through midwicket for four before hammering another length ball through point for four to end the over.
22-0 - Bukhari continuing his potentially costly fascination with the batsmen's pads, but rather gets away with it in this over.
17-0 - Pietersen starts his World Cup opening career by smashing a cover-drive to the fence in magnificent style. He spends the rest of the over trying to intimidate Berend Westdijk by marching down the pitch at him and taking a strike-pinching single from the last ball..
12-0 - Eventful start. Strauss plays and misses outside the off stump either side of back-to-back boundaries picked up via a flick to fine-leg and a thick inside edge past the stumps. The fine-leg fielder is up in the circle for some reason, and that again gives Strauss an easy boundary as Bukhari drifts once more into the left-hander's pads. Internet fact: 'Doeschate' is trending worldwide on Twitter. Just below 'Gadafi'.
Whatever happens in the run-chase, Holland have made the ICC look very nearly as silly as England. This pleases me greatly. Seems no-one passed on the official ICC view that 50-over cricket is too much of a "skill-based" game for Associate cricketers to Tendo, Cooper, Borren or De Grooth.
"I can't help feeling that the wheels started to come off England's performance in the field when Strauss gave Pietersen the ball to bowl for over 24," says Steve in Oswestry. "That showed a lack of respect for Holland which quite rightly has bitten them on the bum. They were experimenting with the notion, I'm guessing, of KP being England's second tweeker for the whole tournament. It didn't work!"
"So when is Ryan Ten-Dulkar gonna play for England?" asks Zahran. Nah, it'll never happen. Can't imagine England would ever pick a player born in South Africa.
"It's the blue helmets and pads that are causing England's bad performance. We'll get better playing a team with a decent kit I hope," says Shaun Tiley. I'm consoling myself by imagining just how many Holland would've got if they still had the proper-coloured accessories. It would've been over 400. Easily.
England are 1/4 (they were 1/50 at the outset...) with Sky Bet to chase down these runs, with a sensational Holland victory 11/4. Says Sky Bet's Tom Warburton: "England have been very poor, their Ashes hangover seems to be still in effect. Although Holland have done exceptionally well, England should get the runs. It's the best track in the tournament, and England's batsmen have been fairly solid despite the team's dip in form."
Some wonderful batting from Ten Doeschate and some inexplicably awful bowling and fielding from England has set up the very real prospect of a major World Cup shock here. The pitch is undeniably a belter, but 293 is still a total that requires a fair bit of chasing. And it will surely be hard for England's batsmen to recover their composure after a fielding performance that must be as bad as any they've ever been involved in. Staggering. The World Cup just came alive.
292-6 Drop! I genuinely have no words. Must invent one: shambpalling. Bukhari swings himself off his feet but gets only a thick edge that balloons gently to short third-man where Swann takes a simple catch. Except he doesn't. He barely lays a hand on it. No idea what happened, but suffice to say it wasn't good. Anderson then has to abort his run-up because once again England have only three men inside the fielding circle. Strauss holds his hand up in apology. This is a farce. A very, very funny and very, very embarrassing farce.
"For all those saying Holland has a poor bowling attack: how bad is England's?" notes Johann Gerber. It's a good point, well made.
It was Colly, caught unawares at midwicket and clearly still outside the circle when Broad bowled Borren. This has been a spectacularly bad bowling and fielding performance from England. Staggering.
286-6 WICKET! Ten Doeschate's sensational innings comes to an end on 119. He was clearly starting to struggle, and can't muster the power this time to clear the deep fielders and Ravi Bopara takes a simple catch at deep square-leg. Mudassar Bukhari is the new batsman, at the non-striker's end. Broad then bowls a wide down the legside and yet another short ball that Borren carves away for four before, apparently as a last resort, goes back to the yorker and knocks back the timbers. But there's more drama. Borren's walk from the field is interrupted by the umpires, who have had word from upstairs that England had only three men inside the circle. It's a no-ball and Broad is ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS! Sensational scenes here. Broad kicking the turf in frustration as Borren returns to the middle. Rumour is that Collingwood was the man hanging on the edge of the circle who didn't get in fast enough. The England wheels are well and truly off.
274-5 - Ten Doeschate starting to struggle. Not sure if it's cramp, but he did have a serious calf injury last year. Borren takes up the mantle, though, and smashes three boundaries off some truly appalling bowling from Anderson. With the field set legside, Anderson bowls short and wide outside the off stump and is carved away over third-man for two boundaries before the last ball of the over is hit straight down the ground. Sixty runs off the last five overs. Game on!
259-5 - Drop! Trott can't hold on to a difficult chance diving away to his left at short fine-leg as the final over of the powerplay brings six runs. That's something of a success for England in a PP that went for 50 in total.
"I'm hitting the panic button right about now," confirms Simon. Neil Radburn isn't worried, though. "As a bowling side they are not strong at all and a sensible approach will see England win easily."
253-5 - Ten Doeschate's batted like Sehwag, and now he cramps like him too. Be fun and games if he wants a runner given Strauss' form in these matters. Anderson, meanwhile, has entirely lost the plot. He bowls two chest-high full-tosses that are rightly called no-balls, and he's in danger of being hauled out of the attack by the umpires before Strauss has a chance to do it himself. In amongst all the fun England waste a review on a leg-before shout against Borren who hit the cover off it.
239-5 - A slice of luck for Ten Doeschate as a skied pull shot lands safely, and he gets to his century next ball as a scampered single becomes five after Trott's throw flicks off the stumps and runs away for four. Vaguely farcical way of getting there, but a truly magnificent innings from Ten Doeschate, single-handedly making the case for not booting out all the minnows. Whatever the result of this match, this has been an innings worthy of gracing any cricketing stage. And he's not done yet, hammering another pull shot to the boundary. If he goes into full T20 mode here, England are in trouble.
225-5 - Sensational batting from Ten Doeschate. He first picks a slower-ball bouncer from Bresnan and pulls it away for four before thumping a drive straight back past the bowler for another boundary. A scampered single takes RTD to 96.
214-5 - It's like a pastel black, the sightscreen. Should get Spinal Tap to sponsor it. Advantage: wouldn't need rotating in between overs. Broad into the attack, as is traditional in the PP, and he starts with a good slower ball. Prior can't gather it cleanly, though, and that allows a bye to get RTD back on strike. He picks up a scampered two and then a single before the WICKET!-taking powerplay strikes with Broad getting a yorker past De Grooth, who had backed away looking to open up the offside. Dutch skipper Peter Borren is the new batsman, and off the mark with a single down the ground.
Mails to Dave.Tickner@bskyb.com
An increasingly common and always infuriating modern cricket irritant - the malfunctioning sightscreen - causes an interminable delay to proceedings. It's eventually in a state of where it could be "none more black" and we're ready to go.
Key passage of play here. Holland take the powerplay, and this will be the difference between a total of 250 that England will chase easily and one of 280 that gives Strauss' men food for thought.
209-4 - Ryan Ten Dulkar is playing an absolute gem of an innings here. England (Swann apart) have been slipshod, but he's taking full toll. Anderson drops short and Ten Doeschate absolutely murders a pull shot to the midwicket fence.
199-4 - Ten Doeschate collects his third six over midwicket, and again it's powerfully, wristily put away. Collingwood can't quite believe it. England's fielding - so impressive in recent times - has been found wanting today and another mix-up allows Ten Doeschate a second run after working the ball into the legside. The Essex man ran the first one hard, as the cliche has it, and that pressure told as Broad and Bell made a mess of things in the deep.
188-4 - A breathtakingly magnificent piece of wicketkeeping from Prior saves four runs. Anderson slips one down the legside that flicks the pad on its way through but Prior, standing up to the stumps, takes the ball as clean as a whistle. There's half an appeal for caught behind, but no bat involved. Another appeal from the last ball of the over, for lbw this time, but again the decision is not out. Anderson, who has yet to encounter an lbw shout he didn't think was knocking out all three, wants to review but is over-ruled by his skipper. Clipping leg, says Hawk-eye, and the on-field decision would've stood.
186-4 - De Grooth playing a cracking little cameo here and ensuring pressure doesn't mount on RTD to do it all on his own. Knowing Collingwood is bowling nothing but cutters, de Grooth gets down early on one knee and Groothscoops the ball over Prior's left shoulder for four. Great stuff.
179-4 - Broad loves a short ball, but overuses it here as De Grooth lines it up and eventually gets a pull shot away to split the two men out on the boundary. Holland heading towards a very competitive total here. One in the eye for Lorgat and his chums who want to bin off all the Associate nations and in future have a World Cup that should properly be renamed the Financially Lucrative Existing Cricketing Nations Cup.
171-4 - De Grooth is an awkward batsman to bowl at, and picks up four here with a perfectly played reverse-sweep. He's perhaps guilty of enjoying that a bit too much and trying to repeat the dose a couple of times later in the over when he would've been better off either a) just seeing off Swann, comfortably England's best bowler today, or b) getting the strike back to Ryan ten Perover.
166-4 - Broad back into the attack after a curious opening spell in which he bowled two maidens in his five-over burst but still leaked 25 runs. De Grooth punches off the back foot for a good-looking couple of runs and then adds a single to deep point. Ten Doeschate uses the depth of his crease before working into the legside to keep the strike.
162-4 - Tom de Grooth gets off the mark with a fine paddle sweep that is prevented from reaching the boundary only by Broad's size 12s. Lovely bit of retro fast bowler's fielding there. Nothing can stop Ten Doeschate reaching the boundary, though, as he skips down the track and wristily flicks Swann over deep midwicket for six. A truly wonderful shot produced with seemingly minimal effort. Plenty for England to think about at DRINKS. They may well need some Dutch courage now, Al...
152-4 - Good spell this from Bresnan. Shame the ball change will now scupper it.
149-4 WICKET! Zuiderent gets a leading edge that pops up to midwicket to give Collingwood the easiest of catches. Swann has his second wicket, which should go some way to placating his error after Anderson and Pietersen's shamblings.
148-3 - England review a caught-behind decision after Bresnan gets the ball to jag back and cut Zuiderent in half. Replays show Asad Rauf got it spot on, the ball flicking the back leg after missing the inside edge. Bresnan, though, is just starting to get this ball to do something. Excellent. He's got a whole six more deliveries to enjoy it before the ball change.
147-3 - Dreadful error from England in the field. Ten Doeschate slogs the ball straight up in the air. It's an easy catch for either Anderson at mid-on or Pietersen at mid-off. But both men leave it to the other and the ball lands embarrassingly, shambolically between them. Swann hugely unimpressed as England spurn the chance to take the big wicket. Ten Doeschate composes himself and picks up a single to go to his 50, and he really could make England pay for giving him a life.
142-3 - The extras floodgates have been opened. Big appeal for leg-before from Bresnan against Ten Doeschate, but although it was definitely pad first it had little else going for it. Well outside the line, and not doing enough to hit the off stump. Did tail in a fraction, though. First sight of that today.
137-3 WICKET! Cooper doesn't cash in on his let-off in the previous over, tamely chipping Collingwood to Anderson at midwicket to depart for a well-constructed 47. That brings the vastly experienced Bas Zuiderent to the middle, and he gets off the mark with a soft-handed dab into the offside for a single. Minor mix-up from the last ball of the over briefly creates the prospect of a run out, but Anderson's throw is off target.
136-2 - The KP experiment ends after two overs, and Bresnan comes back. Drop! KP still in the game though as Cooper top-edges a pull to long leg where Pietersen makes good ground and dives full length to his right and gets his outstretched right hand to the ball. For a moment it looks like he's held on to an absolutely sensational catch, but the ball bounces out and England's nervousness increases. Two-pronged stat attack: the leg-bye in that over was the first extra of the innings, and both these batsmen now average over 70 in ODI cricket.
"He may be only little, but he certainly gives himself room to drive that mini Cooper (van)," says Pete, completing an impressively high word-per-pun ratio after his initial set-up.
132-2 - Excellent over from Collingwood to drag things back after a dodgy 10 minutes for England.
130-2 - Bang! An absolute pie of a waist-high full-toss from Pietersen is walloped over midwicket for a huge six by Ten Doeschate. A real shame Deadly Dirk Nannes isn't still in the Dutch ranks; this match would have real potential for shockery.
119-2 - Ten Doeschate shows his power and finesse in collecting two boundaries off Colly. First he clubs him over midwicket and then he opens the face to guide the ball past a diving Bell at short third-man.
109-2 - He's England's new opening batsman, and now he's their number-two spinner. Pietersen's not a bad bowler by any means and certainly gives the ball a good old tweak. But there's just not the metronomic control of Swann, and Cooper takes advantage of a shorter ball and gets a cut away to the backward-point fence.
101-2 - Holland into three figures as Cooper and Ten Doeschate show their first-class and List A experience by collecting singles almost at will.
96-2 - Just a couple of signs of frustration from both batsmen as Swann continues to keep them bogged right down.
"You seem rather cheery this morning!" notes Simon Weids. "Just wondering if there is a sea of orange in the crowd?" The World Cup just makes me so happy, Simon. And sea might be overstating it, but there are certainly a few very eager puddles.
94-2 - Prior standing up to Anderson now. Tells you more about the pitch than it does about Anderson.
"Have you managed to get Dutch courage in at the drinks break and what's the fuss about blue pads?" asks Allyn Laing. Bit early for me, Al. And nothing really: I just really, really, really liked Holland's orange pads and helmets.
90-2 - Another excellent over from Swann. After his obligatory instant wicket he's whirled through five overs for just 12 runs.
88-2 - The mid-innings drearylull in full swing here, with only a comedy overthrow from Ian Bell to keep us entertained once we'd established, two balls into the over, that there is no reverse-swing yet for Anderson.
82-2 - Canny Dutch nurdlage as Swann wheels away impressively for a chap who's been out of cricket for a while. Time for DRINKS with England having pegged back a good Dutch start, but there are still two dangerous batsmen at the crease. Indeed, the best two batsmen in the world if you take stats at face value. Which you should never, ever do.
79-2 - Strauss keeps the field up despite no longer being obliged to, and Ten Doeschate accepts the challenge splendidly by punching a back-foot drive through a well-stocked cover region and collecting four.
70-2 - No sooner does the second powerplay come to an end than the middle-over milkage begins from Ten Doeschate and Van der Cooper.
65-2 - Fact: the two current batsmen with the highest ODI averages are at the crease right now. Ten Doeschate averages 68, Cooper 67. Stat attack! Ten Doeschate gets off the mark after 12 balls with a fine tickle down the legside for four. Been a profitable area for Holland today.
60-2 - Another excellent over from Swann, giving the ball plenty of flight and getting that dramatic late dip that makes his length so hard to read. Caught and bowled very much in play here.
59-2 - Excellent over of Colly Wobblers from Paul Collingwood as England look to apply the pressure against Holland's best two batsmen.
58-2 WICKET! Swann into the attack, and we all know what that means. Yep, a wicket falls straight away. Excellent work from Prior, whipping off the bails as Kervezee lunges lazily forward and leaves his back foot on the line. Shouldn't really have got himself stumped there - disappointing end to a promising knock.
57-1 - Bresnan's been bowling almost exclusively short of a length here. The first time he pitches the ball up, a genuine edge from Barresi whistles through the unpopulated slip region for four. Bresnan immediately reverts to short of a length and is pulled away effortlessly for another boundary by Cooper. Had an age to play that, and put it away in good style.
England immediately take the bowling powerplay, in accordance with the prophecy.
47-1 - Broad backs up Bresnan's efforts with a maiden. Good one too, beating Cooper's outside edge twice in succession.
47-1 - Good over from Bressie Lad, just a single coming from it.
"As a cricketing expert, do you think the decision to don blue helmets and pads can be blamed for an early Kervezee dismissal?" writes Adam Fraser. There's no doubt in my mind. Some will say that 46-1 off eight is a perfectly acceptable start, but were the Dutch still wearing the right pads and helmets by my calculations they would by 712 without loss at this stage.
46-1 - Having expressed our displeasure at Holland's kit choices, we should perhaps note that England are apparently being represented at this World Cup by the Delhi Daredevils. Broad rattles Cooper with a corking bouncer, but Barresi calls his mate through for a good single as the ball trickles away on the legside via glove, I think. Barresi reaps the benefit of his quick-thinking by guiding the last ball of Broad's over cannily to the third-man fence. Eight boundaries already in this innings.
41-1 WICKET! Bresnan makes the breakthrough as Kervezee gives himself room but is cramped as the bowler follows him. He still tries to play a pull shot of sorts but with no room to free his arms can only pop up the simplest of catches for Prior. England will be a tad relieved: wasn't exactly panic stations, but the Dutch had made a highly promising start. The new batsman is South Australia's Tom Cooper, who qualifies to wear the orange (and blue) because his mum was born in Dutch New Guinea apparently. Anyway, he's a proper talent this lad and he's off the mark straight away with a clip off his hip that once again gives the wide long-leg no chance of cutting it off. So Tommy Cooper off the mark just like that. Best to get these things out of the way early doors.
34-0 - Back-to-back boundaries for Barresi, the first a tad fortunate and the second excellently played as an edge sails over Matt Prior before an uppercut sails past backward point. Broad, as he usually does after a boundary, immediately complains that there wasn't a fielder positioned specifically where that ball went. Barresi further adds to Broad's woes by cracking the last ball through point for four more. Broad takes his cap and chunters off to the outfield. Good start this for Holland.
21-0 - Anderson whipped out of the attack after two iffy overs, replaced by Bresnan. After waiting three overs for some strike Barresi instantly gives it back to Kervezee. Gets it back a bit quicker this time.
17-0 - Poor old 'Franco' Barresi hasn't faced a ball since the opening over. Hardly seems fair. Broad bowls a good maiden over, getting Kervezee ducking on a couple of occasions.
17-0 - It's not as distressing as the helmet news, but I'm afraid I have to tell you that the Dutch have also sullied their orange kit with navy blue pads. Kervezee hasn't let his certain disappointment at the inferior pads and helmet he's been forced to wear get him down, making himself feel better by biffing Anderson over mid-on for another boundary. Cracking shot, and he once again manages to farm the strike with a crafty final-ball single.
12-0 - Stuart Broad shares the new ball and he too gets his line wrong to allow the Dutch to pick up a boundary, Kervezee this time helping the ball fine of long-leg. He keeps the strike with a quick single from the final ball.
7-0 - Alexei Kervezee gets off the mark with a legside single first ball before Wesley Barresi flicks to fine-leg for a Tim Bresnan-assisted boundary. Early fielding error there costing two runs. A firm push to cover brings Barresi two more in a good opening over for the Dutch. James Anderson swingwatch: as sadly absent as orange batting lids.
I bring deeply distressing news. Having so passionately backed the right of the Associate nations to be here, the Holland openers have come to the middle wearing blue batting helmets. Blue. This is a sad day for cricket.
Time for the anthems in Nagpur, with Holland as always making a striking impression in their orange garb. And some people say the Associates don't bring anything to these tournaments.
First inevitable footage of the day from Holland's stunning victory over England in the World Twenty20 a couple of years back. Stuart Broad's final-ball throw possibly the most incorrect thing seen on a cricket field since Pietersen's Ashes 2005 hairdo.
Quick interview with England's new opening batsman Kevin Pietersen on how he's enjoying his new role in one-day cricket. Summary: do-do do do do, he's lovin' it.
AJ Strauss (c), KP Pietersen, IJL Trott, IR Bell, PD Collingwood, RS Bopara, MJ Prior (wk), TT Bresnan, SCJ Broad, GP Swann, JM Anderson
AN Kervezee, W Barresi (wk), TLW Cooper, RN ten Doeschate, B Zuiderent, TN de Grooth, PW Borren (c), Mudassar Bukhari, PM Seelaar, BP Loots, BA Westdijk
Thoughts on that England team? I like it. Depth to the batting, nice variety of options with the ball. And a team selected with an eye on future engagements and not just this one.
As ever we welcome nay require your contributions to keep things going - especially in those difficult middle overs. Send your mails on any old nonsense to Dave.Tickner@bskyb.com
Strauss says he would've had a bat first as well, but he doesn't look overly troubled to be in the field. Doesn't expect the pitch to change much. England make one change from the warm-up win over Pakistan, new dad Graeme Swann replacing Mike Yardy.
Enough of this badinage. Holland have won the toss in Nagpur, and decided to bat first.
There has been some suggestion in the build-up that Holland are a one-man team. Piffle. The Dutch don't have one Doeschate; they've got ten Doeschate. Ryan ten Doeschate. Sensationally poor joke there to get things under way. Look forward to much, much worse.
It's been a timid old start to the World Cup thus far, with a series of minnows being mercilessly crushed underfoot by the tournament's big boys. Well that's all set to change now, with Holland sure to find things tougher against plucky little England. Andrew Strauss' chaps won't go down without a fight.